Ok, I will admit this first off; I never saw the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man movies. I saw all three Tobey Maguire movies that got worse and worse with each sequel and it put me off Spider-Man until The Powers That Be finally got it right. The last TM one was incredibly tragic and happened so long ago, I actually had to Wiki the plot to remember what the hell happened. I threw in learning about the AG ones just to have a general idea of what I was possibly going to see.

So.

What I’m saying is, you need to at least kinda know what happens in those 7 previous Spider-Man movies, plus Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, and it would help if you were up to date on literally every other Marvel movie.

And the tv shows.

And the What Ifs.

I’ll wait.

*twenty years later*

Doctor Strange is one of my top favorite Marvel films and I’ve rewatched it almost as many times as CA:WS, which is, a whole fucking lot. I was super excited that he would be making an appearance and we’d get to see that hand swishy Incept the city thing he does with vigor. If only Rachel McAdams had also made a small appearance because I have a basic bitch need for them to be together in a movie with their sarcastic, saucy chemistry.

I’ve been recently debating with various people (males) about how and why Tom Holland is by far the superior Spider-Man and not just the accent and voice, which really nails a teenage guy, but that he reacts exactly how a teenage kid should be in the tons of precarious situations. Also, he fucking blipped! He fought Thanos! He watched his mentor die! He’s got so much life experience already!

And omg, he’s still so damn adorably humble. And he and Zendaya’s on / off screen relationship is probably the sweetest one that’s ever existed. I’ll fight you on this.

So the movie picks up immediately after that dickbag Gyllenhaal -can anyone even stand to look at that Fuckface after All Too Well (10 minute version) (Taylor’s Version)- reveals Spider-Man’s identity to the entire world. He probably had that goddamn scarf in his pocket while he did it.

Hate him.

Peter, MJ, Ned, and May are taken away to be interrogated about Peter’s involvement in the previous movie’s situation, since Fuckface framed Spider-Man to make it look like he launched the attack on the London Bridge. Luckily, Daredevil is available to be his lawyer and is able to get him cleared of the charges, but the three teens are all forbidden from being accepted by their university of choice, MIT. Though, I’d like to point out, and anyone who saw Goodwill Hunting can agree, you could be a janitor there and still get a decent education. Just saying, there’s always a way.

However, Peter, in his ever adorableness, decides to make a visit to The Wizard of Physics Laws to get him to create a spell make the world forget they ever knew Spider-Man’s identity.

Um, ok, where was this badass forgetful spell back when Thanos was looking for the stones? Could that not have helped literally this entire situation?

Moving on.

In the middle of Doctor Strange doing his sling ring, double finger magic, Peter starts babbling (as kids typically do) and in true fashion of constantly being interrupted by a child, Stephen loses his entire train of thought and entirely fucks up the spell. However, before complete havoc is wrecked, he is able to grab the spell and throw it in a box, all his movies having some significant symbolism.

Since the whole “Make the World Forget I’m Spider-Man” thingy didn’t work, Peter tracks down an MIT rep to try and talk her into letting all three in. While pleading with her on the highway (!), Doc Ock shows up and decides to have a show down right there on the roadway bridge. When he is about to go in for the kill, the mask comes off, and Octavius is surprised to see Peter Parker, who isn’t his Peter Parker. Our (beloved) Peter, uses his Ironman tech to take over Otto’s tentacles and subdue him in time to save the MIT rep who vows to let them all in.

Immediately after that, a familiar laughing voice arrives in the form of the Green Goblin, but before that fight starts, Doctor Strange transports Peter and Doc Ock back to the New York Sanctum and inters the lesser doctor in a giant glass jar. Strange has already located another former Spider-Man villain, The Lizard and placed him in another jar. Quite the creepy collection.

Also. Am I the only one who noticed they didn’t have toilets or water? They’re still some sort of human, right?

Doctor Strange tells Peter that some baddies maaaaaay have slipped through when he accidentally fucked up the spell with his slippery wizard fingers, but now Peter and his girlfriend and chair guy are responsible for getting them all back. After all, he has wizard things to do and is way too busy to literally just zap over, zap them back, etc. TOO MUCH WORK.

Peter takes off on the mission and rather quickly locates two other familiar faces to the franchises; Electro and Sandman and brings them back. The next morning, May calls Peter to let him know that she’s found another; Green Goblin, in his every day Norman Osborn suit. Norman willingly goes back to the Sanctum and hops in a jar and they all start realizing that they were all zapped into this (far, far superior) universe right before they were about to die…fighting Spider-Man. Obviously, none of them want to be returned, though Strange is determined to send them back and forget all this webby bullshit every happened.

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Peter grabs the spell in a box and runs out the door, but Stephen pushes his astral body out of his physical body, which usually works and freaks people the fuck out, but Peter thinks its flipping cool and comes right back to keep fighting.

Seriously, did anyone keep a straight face during this?

Taking it up a notch, Stephen pulls Peter into the mirror dimension to try and trap him there while he terminators back the baddies (albeit with clothes on), but Peter realizes that this is literally just geometry and calculates the best way to coordinate his webs to trap Strange, who is clearly not amused.

Take a lesson Dormammu; it’s just math you loser.

Peter comes back to Marvelous Land, leaving Strange behind and simultaneously stealing his sling ring, and decides that he’s going to cure all the villains so they can go back and have a different life and probable living outcome. Aw. Bless.

Peter, May, and the well documented traitors go back to Happy’s apartment, where the formers have been living since Peter was outted and get to work creating all sorts of bio nerdy vial contained liquids to help each person who has been horrifically changed on literally molecular levels. Easy peasy, this is Ironman tech and what high school nerd can’t create very specific antidotes without knowing any back history? Doc Ock is up first and… holy shit, it works. It actually works! He becomes a nice guy again! Before he can move to the next one, that lowdown Goblin betrays Peter and convinces all the other rascals to escape and live out their best baddie lives here in this new fancy universe. Things quickly go tits up and May almost escapes before uttering the famous phrase, “With great power comes great responsibility” which crushed me because I knew then that she was about to die.

Which she does, via the Green Goblin. With great flourish. Marisa Tomei, people. Damn, she’s good.

Crushed and now being hunted by the police who are sure he’s a no-good troublemaker (all thanks to Fuckface, who is casually cruel in the name of being honest), Peter escapes and disappears.

Ned, who has the stolen sling ring, and MJ hang out at Ned’s place and start brain storming how to find their friend- Ned moves his hand in a general two finger slingy ringy type movement and low and behold a portal opens up (instantly giving Ned a work promotion) and Peter Parker #3 steps through. After proving he is also Peter Parker and Spider-Man, they try again and open yet another portal, bringing in Peter Parker #2, who…is also Spider-Man. The four then locate (the best) Peter Parker #1 and the superfluous Peter’s tell him their personal tales of woe and losing someone they loved. The three decide to team up to defeat all five opponents so they can go home, though the title of the film would suggest otherwise.

Alright, so where should they all hole up for this fight of all fights?

The goddamn Statue of Liberty…who now…is holding…a Captain America shield? Did I miss something? …Why?

*shrugs shoulders*

Ok, so CAP LIB is now the official fort and of course they have MJ and Ned waiting in the wings to help with the cures (and they finally bring back Strange to assist the ass kicking). As action scenes in a Marvel movie go, this has got to be one of the best ones I’ve ever seen. So intense. So many throw backs – Andrew Garfield gets to save the girl and Tobey Maguire gets to save the best friend. Those were honestly really perfect moments in the movie – it never felt forced or cheesy. It actually had a genuine “good guy” feel to it with some comedic bits thrown in to keep the scene from getting too dark. Perfect Spider-Man feels.

As they begin to finish the curing the villains for real this time, The Goblin comes in to fuck shit up for a final time and breaks Strange’s box, unleashing the chaotic spell. The sky begins to crack open with other figures from other homes in the multiverse trying to break through to find Spider-Man and Strange desperately tries to hold them all back. Peter #1 begins to viciously fight the Goblin with all the pent up anger and exploding emotions of watching May die only a few hours earlier. The additional Peters swoop in and help him; holding him back and injecting the Goblin with the cure to bring back Norman Osborn.

Peter #1 realizes the severity of the situation and tells Strange to erase everyone’s memory of knowing Spider-Man; it will be the only way to stop the oncoming evil from an infinite amount of universes from descending upon them. He tearfully says goodbye to Ned and MJ and promises that they will know him again. MJ tearfully tells him that she figured it out once, she can do it again. All the tears.

Spell cast. Life is restored.

Peter Parker #1 is once again just Peter Parker (but always #1 to me) and visits his aunt May’s grave where he sees Happy, who asks how he knew her. Peter tells him it was through Spider-Man and Happy says that’s how he knew her, too. Peter then visits the donut shop where MJ works and Ned shows up, but neither one recognizes him and given the chance, Peter simply orders a coffee and leaves.

The movie ends with him quietly settling in to a new, studio apartment and becoming a regular, neighborhood Spider-Man once again.

An after credits scene shows Eddie Brock having gotten through the universe crack and when he gets zapped back to his world, he accidentally leaves the symbiote. Does this mean a new Venom is coming to the MCU?? Are there any actors left on the planet to play him?

An after after credits scene reveals that Strange didn’t just kinda fuck up the spell, he royally totally and completely fucked it up and now the entire multiverse is hanging in the balance (whoopsies), leading him to track down a now reclusive Wanda for help. Oh, and also there’s a Doctor Evil Strange. Or Evil Doctor Strange? Whichever one tragically destroyed his universe in a quest to bring back his true love Christine Palmer from death (which you would know more about if you watched the What Ifs) and is making me super anxious for May when DS2 drops.

Grade A++++

It is a masterpiece that Fuckface didn’t manage to tear all up. Go see this movie immediately…after you watch every other lead up piece of the multiverse puzzle.